2008-12-01/ 陶喆最新日记：讚美生命 Let's Celebrate Life
【English / 中文】
12/1/08 Shanghai 3:46am
I hope this journal finds you all well. Amidst a devastating financial downturn, the beginning of a new US presidency and much continued political and social upheaval in the world, it’s a struggle to remain calm. The world seems to be exponentially spirally downwards with calamities and problems being borne faster than solutions can be thought up. However, I still have hope that we can make a difference if we continue with prayer and take action in the right direction.
The first of December brings a lot of anticipation for many people, including myself. With the arrival of Christmas and the New Year, my upcoming months will be preoccupied with the production of my album. During the latter half of 2009, I will turn my focus to my film, which I will share with you later on when the time comes.
If I haven’t already mentioned in previous statements, the majority of the songwriting for the new album has been completed and, so far, I only need to write 3 to 4 more tracks and the songwriting process will be complete. The next stage of my production entails working on lyrics as well as putting the arrangements together. This will be a heavier, more rock oriented album and, therefore, I’ll be playing more guitar myself than on previous albums. The concept of this album has evolved quite a bit since its inception a year ago though the core has not changed. I’m very excited with the concept of this album and I only hope that I can dutifully translate it from my mind and heart for you. Being that it’s a “concept album” means that there’s much more than what is on the surface while, hopefully, not being a burden to it. I’d never want to make a concept album simply for the sake of making one or, even less nobly, for the sake of being cool or academic. The concept of the album should serve to unite the songs and emotions so that they come together to form a more powerful sum of the parts. Some albums are comprised of songs that have little bearing to each other but, on this album, most of the songs evolved from a singular yet related “concept” and motif. I think once the album is completed and in your hands you’ll understand more clearly what I’m talking about.
I don’t recall making any public statements on the recent passing of my dog, Lucky, but I gather that some of you may have heard about it somehow. On 10/30/08, Lucky was put to sleep as he was in very poor health due to a previous heart condition. I was in Asia at that time and couldn’t return to LA but my parents flew back and alongside a friend, Joanna, accompanied Lucky in his final days.
We had known that Lucky had a heart murmur condition as far back as 4 years ago. However, this was something the doctors said could not be treated and was something we could only observe and hope wouldn’t worsen. As the years went by, Lucky didn’t seem to be affected very much with only a few symptoms such as hacking and some occasional languidness. He was still very much playful, active and would enjoy walks around the neighborhood. Seeing the occasional cat or squirrel he would still want to give chase even though I knew it was more to demonstrate his bravado. We were never really sure how old Lucky was but from his dental condition the doctor guessed that he would have been around 13 years old when he passed away. Lucky was a stray dog in Taipei who used to roam the alleys around my father’s old office until one day my dad decided to buy him a house and take him in. Lucky wasn’t a large or menacing dog but he held his own and was a “street fighter” in the neighborhood. Before we took him in, my father used to always recall seeing Lucky head to head with other dogs or proudly leading a pack of dogs down a street. Like any “street” dog, Lucky had a certain edge about him shaped by the years of living amongst the elements. However, around his master and the few people he trusted, his loyalty and sweetness was unmatched. After a few years living at my dad’s office and then eventually at our Taipei home, my dad and I decided that we would immigrate Lucky to Los Angeles to spend more time with me there. I still remember the days when Lucky would accompany me at my office and studio, staying up late with me during my late night writing sessions. Patient, understanding and quiet, Lucky would follow me wherever I went and I enjoyed our late night walks around the park near my studio probably just as much as he did. One thing that everybody always remarked when they saw Lucky was how young he appeared to be. Especially after a trim, Lucky looked like he was just a baby and people were always shocked when I revealed his true age. Because he was a stray, Lucky was a mix of quite a few breeds. We never really cared what the exact mix was but just that he was adorable, handsome and so considerate. Lucky was a very frugal and content dog, he never begged for food like most dogs do and didn’t like to play with toys at all. Getting him to chew a bone was nearly impossible and because of that his teeth suffered as with many strays. I guess the only thing that Lucky needed was love from the people around him. Sometimes if you were to just look in his eyes with affection that would seem to make him happy as he would tilt his head slightly as if smiling.
The two months before Lucky’s passing was when his heart began to trouble him and when we started to notice things changing for the worse. He was put on medication at that point which seemed to relieve certain symptoms but two weeks before Halloween it seemed that nothing we did helped much. He stopped eating, sometimes had difficulty controlling his urinating, and was too tired to even walk out of the house. We consulted the doctor several times but it seemed that we had reached the end of the road. It was a very tough moment for all of us but we didn’t want to see Lucky suffer and his quality of life diminish to nothing. Lucky didn’t make a fuss about anything and just quietly sat on his pillow often staring into space. We didn’t know if Lucky was in pain but we knew he wasn’t happy.
A few days after both my father and mother flew back to see Lucky, my dad made the final decision along with the consent of the veterinarian to put our loved dog to sleep via injection. My dad chose not to be in the operating room so my mom and Joanna stood by to see Lucky off.
Those of you who have or have had pets and have seen them pass away know the sadness and difficulty in seeing them in pain. The helplessness an animal experience is sometimes greater than a human as they can’t express themselves verbally. They can’t make the voluntary decisions and, thus, leave us to their care. The passing away of even a dog reminds me of how fragile life is and how inescapable we all are from mortality.
Let us celebrate life but also unselfishly and graciously let it go when the time comes.
DT
2008年12月1日 上海 凌晨 3點46分
希望大家都平安健康。金融海嘯依舊持續它的破壞力，美國新總統出爐，全球政治社會動亂事件層出不窮，企求平靜竟是如此掙扎。 不斷冒生的災難與問題讓人來不及解決，世界性的惡性循環正在加速進行。然而，我仍然抱持希望，只要我們繼續祈禱，做出正確的判斷與行動，事情應該就會有轉機。12月初對很多人來說是充滿期待的，對我來說也是如此。聖誕節跟新年即將到來，我未來幾個月的時間將會被新專輯的製作所佔據。2009年後半年，我則是會集中心力在我的電影上面，到時候我會再跟大家分享這部分的心情。
我之前如果還沒有提過，我現在就要告訴大家，新專輯大部分的歌都已經寫好了，我只要再寫大約三到四首歌，作曲的部分就可以告一段落了。下一個製作階段需要把歌詞寫完以及整合所有的編曲。這會是一張更重、更搖滾走向的專輯，因此我自己要比以前的專輯彈奏更多的吉他。這張專輯的概念在一年前就想好了，這期間雖然有些演變、調整，但是它的主軸依舊不變。我對這個專輯概念感到非常興奮，我只希望我可以將心裡的想法與感受忠實地傳達給你們。作為一張「概念專輯」代表有許多潛在的「言外之意」，但也希望這不要變成一種負擔。我一直不希望製作一張「為概念而概念」的專輯，或者換個比較平常的說法，這不是為了要聽起來很酷或很學院派。專輯的概念是為了要統整作品本身及其蘊含的情感，讓他們聚合成一個更具力量的總體。有些專輯是由一些互不相干的作品組合而成，但是這張專輯的多數作品都是由各自獨立卻又彼此關聯的概念或動機衍生而出。我想當專輯完成，你們也都聽到的時候，你們會比較清楚我的意思。
我不記得我有沒有公開講過，但是我知道你們有些人已經聽說了這個消息 - 我的狗 Lucky已經在前一陣子過世了。Lucky 由於心臟的問題，導致健康狀況不斷惡化，我們不得已只能決定在2008年10月30日那天讓牠安樂死。我當時人在亞洲，並無法回到洛城，只能由我的雙親及友人Joanna陪伴牠走完最後一程。
Lucky 大概四年前就開始有心雜音的問題。然而當時的醫生表示，這病並無法治療，只能持續觀察，希望不要再惡化。這幾年以來，Lucky並沒有因此有太大的異狀，只會偶爾乾咳或者看起來疲倦無力。除此之外，牠還是非常活潑好動，平常就喜歡到住家附近散步。有時候看到貓咪或松鼠，Lucky還是會想去追牠們，但我知道牠只是虛張聲勢罷了。我們並不清楚Lucky的實際年齡，但醫生從牠的牙齒判斷，牠應該是享年13歲。Lucky在台北的時候原本是隻流浪狗，在我父親的舊辦公室附近的巷子裡遊蕩。有一天，我父親決定買個房子給牠住。Lucky體型不大，也不兇狠，但牠很有自己的態度，牠在那一帶是個「街頭霸王」。我父親記得在我們還沒有帶牠回家之前，就經常看到Lucky跟其他的狗單挑，霸氣十足地領著一幫狗兒在街頭遊走。就跟一般流浪犬一樣，Lucky長年在外打滾，形塑了自己獨特的態度。但是在牠的主人或是少數可以信任的人身邊，牠的忠誠與貼心絕對是無與倫比的。牠在我父親的辦公室住了幾年，最後也搬進我們台北的住家；但是父親跟我還是決定幫Lucky辦移民，讓牠可以有更多的時間可以在洛城陪我。我仍然記得在那些歲月裡，Lucky會待在辦公室及錄音室裡陪我熬夜寫歌。既耐心、貼心又安靜，不管去哪裡，Lucky總是跟著我，牠應該和我一樣，喜歡晚上一起在公園裡散步吧。大家看到Lucky的時候，總是說牠看起來這麼年輕。尤其是牠剃毛之後，看起來就像是隻小小狗，當我說出牠的實際年齡，大家都會訝異不已。由於Lucky是隻流浪犬，所以牠也是隻混種狗。我們一點也不在意牠的血統，因為牠實在是太可愛、太帥氣、太貼心了。Lucky是隻非常簡樸知足的狗，牠不像其牠的狗會要東西吃，牠也不喜歡玩具。要牠啃骨頭幾乎是不可能的事情，這可能是因為牠跟很多流浪犬一樣牙齒不好。我猜牠唯一需要的是來自旁人的愛吧。有時候你只要含情脈脈地看著牠，牠就會像在微笑般地開心搖頭。Lucky去世前兩個月，心臟的問題開始讓牠不舒服，我們也注意到狀況逐漸惡化了。最初透過藥物還可以減輕牠的症狀，但大概在萬聖節前兩個禮拜的時候，一切開始變得有點欲振乏力。牠不再進食， 有時還會尿失禁，甚至疲倦得不想出門。我們有向醫生諮詢，藉以尋求協助，但是我們好像已經看到路的盡頭了。這是個難以抉擇的時刻，我們不想看到Lucky繼續受苦，不希望牠的生活品質消失殆盡。Lucky自己並沒有因此而煩躁，牠只是安靜地坐在牠的枕頭上，兩眼無神地空望著。我們不知道Lucky是不是很痛苦，但是我們知道牠不快樂。
當我的父母飛回洛城探望Lucky幾天後，在獸醫的同意之下，我父親做了最後的決定，要讓我們的愛犬注射安樂死。我父親選擇待在手術房外，而讓我母親跟Joanna送Lucky安心上路。
有養過寵物或是有經歷寵物去世的人應該都知道，看到牠們痛苦是件多麼傷心難過的事情。動物感受到的無助有時是比人類巨大的，因為牠們無法以言語表達。牠們無法自己做決定，因此只能由我們來照料一切。愛犬的去世讓我認知到生命是何等的脆弱，而我們最後都是要走到死亡的盡頭。
我們讚美生命，但當那刻降臨，我們也無私慷慨地讓它走吧。
陶喆
